Managing marital conflict

By Nicole Melchi, M.Ed., MFT, LPCC-S Director of Family Programs, Kent Psychological Associates

Our brains are hard-wired with an alarm system to detect threats and react. This fight-or-flight response is terrible for managing relationship conflict.

Our couples therapy program is developed around the Gottman Method, founded by world-renowned therapist Dr. John Gottman.

Part of his research uncovered how this fight-or-flight response he calls “flooding” affects couples’ communication. The technical term is Diffuse Physiological Arousal. When it’s triggered, your heart rate speeds up, your breathing quickens, adrenaline spikes and the part of your brain that’s used for rational thinking and problem-solving is impaired.

Some people don’t show signs of flooding even though they might be upset, while others show signs of distress even when they are actually internally calm. Perception is often unreliable.

Our team is trained to spot the outward signs of flooding. If it happens, we hit the pause button. There’s no point in going forward if one or both people are flooded. We will do a muscle relaxation or guided imagery exercise to take a break. Most importantly, going forward, we teach partners how to perceive the signs of flooding and have a plan in place for stopping an argument and tabling it for later, when both are in a better frame of mind.

Oftentimes couples come into their first therapy session wanting to address the biggest part of their conflict. But that’s not how it’s done.

Our first goal is to help couples build a positive perspective so that developing a flooding plan and managing conflict is possible.

Kent Psychological Associates is located at 190 Currie Hall Parkway, in Kent. Sessions are available either virtually or in-person at KPA headquarters, just south of Twin Lakes. Call 330-673-5812 or visit KentPsychological.com/Marriage-Counseling/ for more information.